May292014

A Page from My Journal

Date: unknown

Sisters are biological programmed to love and support each other. Mine will not say hello or smile at me.

6AM

A Page from My Journal

Date: unknown

She is pushing me further away. I should be immune to it by now but it still hurts. I tell her what she means to me even though I know she will never fathom or reciprocate it. She has made that perfectly clear. Have you ever loved someone so unfathomably much and they do not so much as acknowledge your existence? Shut up and go away are the only words of encouragement I get from her anymore. I wish I knew what I did to make her hate me that much.

5AM

A Page from My Journal

Date: February 8, 2013

I still miss her. I miss my sister, but I know I will never get her back. I will never get back the bond we had. I mean the bond I thought we had. How do you begin to forget someone, the most important person in your life? The person whom without your life does not make sense.

5AM

A Page from My Journal

Date: unknown

In my entire life on this planet, I have never been this unhappy. There were times I thought nothing could ever be worse, but absolutely nothing could ever match how miserable I am. I feel so empty. It is as though I am falling down a dark bottomless pit and cannot get out. I could use every emotional outlet I can get my hands on to numb the pain, but that is only temporary. I need a permanent fix.

5AM

I had lost the ounce of self respect I had in working hard trying to live up to society’s expectations.

4AM

I am sad when I change into a mature adult, I will lose the childlike side of me that does not take life too seriously. I do not know if I would be completely happy that way, but I know I have to change to live a normal life.

4AM

People change. Sometimes for the best. Sometimes for the worst. The only hard part of changing is finding the strength and courage to do it.

4AM

A Page from My Journal

Date: February 3, 2013

Do you believe in destiny? Which by dictionary definition is a predetermined course of events. It is inevitable. It cannot be changed. I cannot say I believe in destiny, but I do believe that actions impact the lives people lead.
My mother dealt with my every responsibility since elementary school because I did not deal with them myself. I am since a high school graduate who cannot even do their own laundry without help. I may not believe in destiny, but I know I was not supposed to end up like this. I will continue to be like this until I do something to change.

May232014

A Page From My Journal

Date: 2011

Location: Brookfield Central High School Cafeteria

I am so fucking angry that if I punched the brick wall over there my fist would go through it and it would crumble down. My life comes with such misfortune. Everything just keeps getting worse. At least Sarah is locked up away from people and the stress they cause. I for one still have to deal. Which is hard when I cannot concentrate on anything. The best part is that no one gives two shits. Not that I expect anyone to. Or blame anyone. I am not worth caring about. I wish I was not so god damn sensitive. Anytime I sense even a slight attitude from someone, I get intensely pissed off or sad. My mood changes frequently and I become increasingly irritable. I am such a cowardly cry baby. I will not survive in the real world. I want to stand up for myself, but I will not because I am too scared of what people will say and think. My friends will hate me if I say what is on my mind and I cannot afford that. They are the only true family I have. My biological family is shitty and broken. Being in it is painful. I feel worse and worse about myself everyday. I did not know it is possible. Every night I pray I get a terminal illness that will kill me so it would save me the trouble of doing it myself. Which will not happen because the universe hates me and wants me to suffer. I am royally fucked. I deserve to suffer. I did everything to deserve this. It is payment for all the pain I have caused people.

January272014

When I was little I used to ask my parents for advice as little people do. My parents didn’t so much give me advice as judgment. After a while I stopped talking to my parents about any of my problems to the point that I have no emotional connection with them. It is sad that it ended up being this way because you should be able to talk to your parents about anything. They have more life experience and can tell you how to deal with certain situations. I hate that I can’t ask for advice or share details about my life to them. However, that is how it shall be if they can’t respect me. It is just that I have been going through a mentally, physically, and emotionally rough life experience. Even though I have talked to my sisters about it, I still wish I could talk to mom and dad about it. 

November82013

Days later mother and father went out of state for a week leaving the house in my care. Amanda, Carolyn and I convinced Noen to drive all the way from his house in Wakesha to my house in Brookfield for some fun. However there was one glaring flaw in our plan that we overlooked. There was nothing to do. My house hadn’t been lived in for 2/3 years mind you. But then we played Carolyn’s Imagine Dragons CD in my boom box and Pictionary that we found in the basement. Since there were the four of us, it was only customary to split into teams of two (Amanda & Carolyn versus Noen & I). Turned out we weren’t so much a good team as good cheaters together. Once the game ended the girls felt like an impromptu dance party in my living room. While that was happening Noen and I took it to get to learn more about each other as I gave him a tour of my house. I showed him every room (except mine of course, we all know a girl’s room is a sacred place) including the loft, the view of Brookfield from the roof, and even Paws’s shrine. Noen’s questions were getting deeper and harder for me to answer the further through the house we were. I dealt with it how I typically do. Which was looking away laughing and occasionally make anxious fanning motions with my hands to think of a quick answer. He was kindly patiently waiting for my answers encouraging me to elaborate or follow through.

which is a big thing for me because my parents never listen or care about my feelings.
9PM

Not that I could tell. You know how oblivious I am. I had to discreetly ask Amanda. The decision was to go see The Great Gatsby which had finally come to cinemas that week. First we went to target and bought snacks to sneak into the theater via my Louis. Just when I thought I was done embarrassing myself for the day. I completely lapsed and basically announced to the whole room we snuck snacks into the cinema. I said aloud “Should I unload the load?” leaning over in the seat to get it from my Louis. Luckily I quickly remembered my surroundings and said “Wait… Never mind… Theres no load here.” about the whole room along with Clair, Amanda, Carolyn, Noen, and I burst out laughing. The day ended at Clair’s with conversation over Apples to Apples. From there we said our goodbyes, hugged, and went our separate ways.

8PM

Amanda then told me about her friend she wanted me to meet who also happened to be wanting a significant other. His name readers, was Noen Nelson. She didn’t tell me much about him other than the fact that she had already told him about me and that he wanted to meet me. “She certainly is very pretty.” “If she is a friend of yours, she must be cool.” “I’d love to meet her.” I responded the way you know I would with ” he’s not going to go for me.” “Good guys never go for me.” “Well at least he thinks I am pretty.” “That’s half the battle.” “Since you think he is a good match for me, I would love to meet him too.” In June as planned the family and I flew back to Brookfield for the annual visit. Days on arrival I had plans to meet Noen with Clair, Amanda, and Carolyn at my sides for support. We sat on the grass behind UWW waiting for him to finish his final exam. After he finished and met us outside. We all sat there talking until we got bored and wanted a change of scenery. From what I observed about him during those fifteen to thirty minutes, he was quiet and relaxed. That intrigued me because I wanted to know more. We decided to go inside for a while until we figured out what we were going to do. By this time I was being my typically energetic self singing Disney songs playing improvisational games with Clair skipping around the room. I started to notice an apparent change in his quiet and relaxed demeanor as he started asking me question about me and my life in Germany. He was definitely warming up to me.

8PM

After mother’s fiftieth birthday party in Febuary when Aunt Jenita and the birthday girl thought everyone was sleeping they stayed awake talking for what left of the evening. Guess who was flattered because they were the subject of said discussion, readers? if you cocked your head to the side and thought for a second then answered “You” to your screen, you sir or Madame are correct. Except about the part about me being flattered and for that wake up. I am not that kind of girl. Any who, the point is I had to lay there listening to them talk about me for hours (when I was situated in the mass of friends and family in sleeping bags on the living room floor two feet away) saying how not abnormal I am. Which did the complete opposite of flatter me. I stealthily grabbed my iPod that was beside my sleeping bag and pulled the sleeping bag over my head then proceeded to Facebook message Amanda. We chatted and it brought back alot of things such Doug, my ex boyfriend. I expressed how much I wished I had someone to love me (romantically, of course. I have people who love me). I wouldn’t be so insecure, sad, and lonely if I had someone to love me. If I had someone to compensate the love I never had for myself. Sure you can make the argument that you don’t need a significant other to feel good and happy. But who wouldn’t feel good when they have someone to tell them they look good or are a good person worthy of love?

Amanda then told me about her friend she wanted me to meet who also happened to be wanting a significant other. His name readers, was Noen Nelson. She didn’t tell me much about him other than the fact that she had already told him about me and that he wanted to meet me. “She certainly is very pretty.” “If she is a friend of yours, she must be cool.” “I’d love to meet her.” I responded the way you know I would with ” he’s not going to go for me.” “Good guys never go for me.” “Well at least he thinks I am pretty.” “That’s half the battle.” “Since you think he is a good match for me, I would love to meet him too.” In June as planned the family and I flew back to Brookfield for the annual visit. Days on arrival I had plans to meet Noen with Clair, Amanda, and Carolyn at my sides for support. We sat on the grass behind UWW waiting for him to finish his final exam. After he finished and met us outside. We all sat there talking until we got bored and wanted a change of scenery. From what I observed about him during those fifteen to thirty minutes, he was quiet and relaxed. That intrigued me because I wanted to know more. We decided to go inside for a while until we figured out what we were going to do. By this time I was being my typically energetic self singing Disney songs playing improvisational games with Clair skipping around the room. I started to notice an apparent change in his quiet and relaxed demeanor as he started asking me question about me and my life in Germany. He was definitely warming up to me

6PM

yesartblog said: Hi my name is Kate! I am very interested in art! I want to go on painting course but to make it happen i have to pay for it! I would like you to visit my blog and go on my comercials! :)) it is very important you to stay on them at least 15 seconds! Thank you very much! I hope you like my blog and visit it often! :)))) you are awesome and thank you for your help !!! :)

Hello Kate! I am glad to know that you are interested in a career in art. it can be a rewarding field. I am sorry that you do not have the means to follow your dream. I don’t know if you read or follow my blog. However I also have a passion for art. Of course I am more than happy to visit your blog and commercials. What kind of artist won’t support a fellow artist? If there is anything I can do to help you reach your goal, please do not hesitate to let me know. Your thanks is not needed. But you are so very welcome, dear and thank you. I hope you have a magical day! Keep on fighting! You will get there!

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