really glad I get to live here with you miserable ass fucks. Makes life full of happy sunshine-y bullying, bullshit, judgment, manipulation and passive aggression. Yaaaay Thaaaanks!
This is me in blog form. Hello! I am Elena. You may read me if you must. However, I fairly warn you. You will need tissues because you will cry. Be it either from laughing at my awkwardness or actually crying tears of sadness because my life is just that pitiful and you feel bad for me.Ping Elena! Do something!
She is pushing me further away. I should be immune to it by now but it still hurts. I tell her what she means to me even though I know she will never fathom or reciprocate it. She has made that perfectly clear. Have you ever loved someone so unfathomably much and they do not so much as acknowledge your existence? Shut up and go away are the only words of encouragement I get from her anymore. I wish I knew what I did to make her hate me that much.
Date: February 8, 2013
I still miss her. I miss my sister, but I know I will never get her back. I will never get back the bond we had. I mean the bond I thought we had. How do you begin to forget someone, the most important person in your life? The person whom without your life does not make sense.
In my entire life on this planet, I have never been this unhappy. There were times I thought nothing could ever be worse, but absolutely nothing could ever match how miserable I am. I feel so empty. It is as though I am falling down a dark bottomless pit and cannot get out. I could use every emotional outlet I can get my hands on to numb the pain, but that is only temporary. I need a permanent fix.
I had lost the ounce of self respect I had in working hard trying to live up to society’s expectations.
I am sad when I change into a mature adult, I will lose the childlike side of me that does not take life too seriously. I do not know if I would be completely happy that way, but I know I have to change to live a normal life.
People change. Sometimes for the best. Sometimes for the worst. The only hard part of changing is finding the strength and courage to do it.
Date: February 3, 2013
Do you believe in destiny? Which by dictionary definition is a predetermined course of events. It is inevitable. It cannot be changed. I cannot say I believe in destiny, but I do believe that actions impact the lives people lead.
My mother dealt with my every responsibility since elementary school because I did not deal with them myself. I am since a high school graduate who cannot even do their own laundry without help. I may not believe in destiny, but I know I was not supposed to end up like this. I will continue to be like this until I do something to change.
Location: Brookfield Central High School Cafeteria
I am so fucking angry that if I punched the brick wall over there my fist would go through it and it would crumble down. My life comes with such misfortune. Everything just keeps getting worse. At least Sarah is locked up away from people and the stress they cause. I for one still have to deal. Which is hard when I cannot concentrate on anything. The best part is that no one gives two shits. Not that I expect anyone to. Or blame anyone. I am not worth caring about. I wish I was not so god damn sensitive. Anytime I sense even a slight attitude from someone, I get intensely pissed off or sad. My mood changes frequently and I become increasingly irritable. I am such a cowardly cry baby. I will not survive in the real world. I want to stand up for myself, but I will not because I am too scared of what people will say and think. My friends will hate me if I say what is on my mind and I cannot afford that. They are the only true family I have. My biological family is shitty and broken. Being in it is painful. I feel worse and worse about myself everyday. I did not know it is possible. Every night I pray I get a terminal illness that will kill me so it would save me the trouble of doing it myself. Which will not happen because the universe hates me and wants me to suffer. I am royally fucked. I deserve to suffer. I did everything to deserve this. It is payment for all the pain I have caused people.
When I was little I used to ask my parents for advice as little people do. My parents didn’t so much give me advice as judgment. After a while I stopped talking to my parents about any of my problems to the point that I have no emotional connection with them. It is sad that it ended up being this way because you should be able to talk to your parents about anything. They have more life experience and can tell you how to deal with certain situations. I hate that I can’t ask for advice or share details about my life to them. However, that is how it shall be if they can’t respect me. It is just that I have been going through a mentally, physically, and emotionally rough life experience. Even though I have talked to my sisters about it, I still wish I could talk to mom and dad about it.
You have much to learn.
You shall see in turn.
All that is gold does not glisten
it starts with a split decision.
But most every affair ends in division.
Take this from me.
Who else would teach you free?
I have learnt this lesson
asking for a father’s son
He had run off without a care.
He wanted only a brief affair.
When I did nothing
but care and support
I guess he wanted me all for sport
A peacock he mastered
I liked the way he talked
the way he walked
so did he (just a bit too much)
I can’t see how he saw me as such
If only himself is who he sees
He is free now
to find as many as he so pleas
however without a prayer he may be.
You and me
Like a movie
Just without a plot
We were good
Near perfect in fact
A Romeo & Juliet if you would
Until you cut the act
Never has true self reveal
Indeed that is real
For there was no movie
But a game
Where only he kept score
Neither a winner
We leave with nothing to claim
Be that it may
I’m happy it ended that way.